I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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