1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
