Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
