I'm gonna have a badass scar
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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