sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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