so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i dont even know how to be here
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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