Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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