i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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