You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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