He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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