my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
