Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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