Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
