shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
