how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
