I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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