I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
My vagina is officially offended.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
