well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
