This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
