bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
