I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
