I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
