You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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