I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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