I got chris browned last night
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
