I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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