mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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