Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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