6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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