Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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