I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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