I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
