The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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