He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
