I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I can't put those talents on a resume
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
