I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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