The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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