Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
