I'm so fucking centered right now
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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