she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
