im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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