if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
