Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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