Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
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