I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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