Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
