oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize