We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
do nipples grow back?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
