Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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