guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
