after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
