yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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