oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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