i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
