i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
