i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
