i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
