I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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