The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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