my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
