I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
