god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You pole danced in your parka.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
