Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
